I admit it, I like the Dr. Phil show. For one thing, it is on t.v. from 8 – 9 which is the time I’m ready to sit down and relax. The second reason I like the show is because it has ordinary people on it. Unlike the other talk shows (I’m thinking Jerry Springer), these people are everyday people dealing with the same family issues most of us deal with. I find his comments and suggestions pretty helpful.

The other night Dr. Phil had husbands with unhappy wives on the show. The women were unhappy because of the amount of housework they were expected to complete everyday. Some wives put the expectation on themselves, others had it put on them by their husbands, while others had set their own expectations too high when the children were younger and haven’t been able to change them since.   I’m sitting quietly in my chair completely identifying with each woman when JeanPaul innocently said to me “I’m glad you don’t feel that way”. I’m not sure if my head snapped quickly in his direction or turned 360 degrees before looking at him, responding that I feel the exact same way.   Surprised, he asked me which lady I felt like. He was dumbfounded when I responded “all of them”.

Prior to my joining JeanPaul and the boys, he did all the housework. He was working full-time in Boston, raising 3 teenage boys by himself and keeping the house as clean as possible. They are all very neat, but things like dusting, window washing, baseboard wiping, etc. rarely got done. Then I came along. I worked so hard, I couldn’t walk by the end of a Saturday. It didn’t occur to the kids to help out and as I was new to the family unit, JeanPaul wasn’t comfortable making the kids take on chores. So, I got the short end of the stick – like so many women. All my days were spent working, cooking, cleaning, getting ready for work again and getting everything ready for the next meal. On the weekends I was cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for a family of 5 with absolutely no help either before or after the meal. I didn’t know it then, but I was beginning to burn out from all the work. Then came the hysterectomy, which put me out of housework for several weeks and helped me see how all that housework work was affecting my ability to do the things that kept me in balance and joyful.

I’m no different than most women. I want my family to be happy, I want them to eat right and I want us to live in a nice, clean home. Like you, I give up a lot personally to provide these things to them. As women we take on a lot of chores by default. We do what no one else in the family wants to do or does so poorly it is easier to do it ourselves than chase them around trying to get them to do it correctly.

Women have always worked hard and throughout most of history never reaped the benefits of their labor. Even today, there are women who are thought of as chattel to their husbands or families. The thinking over the centuries has been if women had any idle time they would put it to bad use. Hence, keep the women busy with chores and they’ll stay out of trouble. Only problem is that the definition of “trouble” was thinking. Don’t ever give a woman a moment’s rest, she might use it to think – goodness knows there would be no end of trouble if you had a thinking woman on your hands! Virginia Woolf wrote a wonderful book “A Room of One’s Own” in which she talks about women’s lot throughout history. She believed that in order to write, or paint or (God forbid) self-actualize, you had to have a little free time and a quiet space. St. Augustine had a monk’s cell, Thomas Jefferson had a study, my father has the basement. What do most women have? The kitchen or, if you’re lucky, a corner of the bedroom. The kitchen or the bedroom, that’s usually about it. Come to think of it, we haven’t gained much space in the last millennium, have we?

I’ve only known this life for 5 years and I came to it after having a space of my own for several. I can’t imagine having spent my youth under the weight of these expectations. I’m thinking (now we are heading into “trouble territory”) this is why many women go off on their own in their 40’s or 50’s. The crush of everyone else gets too claustrophobic and the expectations feel like lead weights that keep getting heavier. There are so many mid life women who own motorcycles now that I am beginning to think they are the vanguard of a revolution. With the wind in their hair, no sound except the rumble of the engine women are running away without having to leave their homes and families behind. Free to think and to be for a few hours at a time.

Sometimes I think scrapbooking is popular because women can have creative, thought provoking time away from the family and no grief for it because, after all, they are celebrating the family. What about book clubs? Comprised of mostly women reading books and talking about the meaning of life – they get a little peace a little earlier at night because they have to have the book read for the next meeting. To their families, a book club is a bunch of women sitting in a library, sipping tea and talking about nothing – how much trouble could they get into?

I have had a small ebay business for several years so when I came to live with JeanPaul and the boys, he built out an area of the basement for me. I liked having a space to run away to but I dreamed of having a room of my own, again. As the boys began moving into their own apartments, rooms became available. One has become “Robin’s Room”. All my books are there as well as my computer and my craft table and supplies. Every time I cross the threshold into my room, I feel refreshed.

I really do feel encouraged.  Women are finding their way to rooms of their own, whether they are physical places or mindful, soul-filled spaces. Whether they disguise them beneath acceptable activities or usurp formerly male dominated ones. After centuries of not being allowed to rest, to think, or to decide our fates, we are slowly beginning to carve ourselves out of adamantine expectations. We still have a lot of challenges ahead and not everyone is waving at us from the shore but we have to make the journey. We have to change what doesn’t work. To be honest, the other options are lousy.

For those women I love – I know the wind feels good in your hair when you’re on the bike but your mind is a terrible thing to waste, especially when it is strewn across tarmac. Please wear a helmet.